Queer Parenthood, Relationships, and Self-growth
Interview and blog by Jacky Huang (he, him), Pride Link intern.
“I am more patient and understanding than I give myself credit for sometimes.”
I sat down, virtually, with Kayla (they/them) and this was one of the things they said that really stood out to me. Kayla is a pansexual non-binary person living in the Upstate with their child, Olive. For about an hour, Kayla and I talked about their experiences growing up in Greenville, coming out, and life lessons learned from a polyamorous relationship.
What are some of the things you’re passionate about and why?
Since I'm a parent, I'm always trying to think of how to approach things like raising a child, especially with so many relevant issues that we're all dealing with right now. Right now, especially as a white parent to a white child, how to address some of our bad behaviors, so that's been my focus and something that I've been passionate about.
Also, I just went to some of the protestings shortly after George Floyd’s passing and it was frustrating for me to see just the indifference in people. Especially when it was people walking downtown with their children as the protests are happening and hearing one dad say to his child that it’s nothing you need to worry about. It was like wow, I think we all need to worry about it and care.
Since the Upstate, SC area is traditionally a very conservative place, what has your experience been like here being a part of the LGBTQ+ community?
I’ve been out and a member of the LGBTQ+ community since I started dating. I guess even when I got to high school and saw my friends who were queer and the other friends that were just so accepting. I feel like I was lucky because at the time that I was in high school there was a really strong group of us that we're able to support each other. So even though we faced being called names and some people who bullied more than others, like I got really lucky in that regard. It was hard though, I mean, I got my fair share of torments.
Even though I grew up here and went to a southern baptist church and heard all of that growing up, somehow I was still able to get the positive messages from that but not be closed-minded. I mean it was still difficult, but there were also two women that I went to church with who were my neighbors - kind of relatives by marriage - that lived together, and I don't think I realized it at the time but as an adult, I've come to understand that they were a queer couple.
I think subliminally, there was like a level of acceptance that I learned just from being close to my neighbors. But then also going to church with them and seeing that there is a possibility for that crossover of being Queer, Christian, and understanding. I think having that exposure has made it easier for me to separate the two and just understand.
How would you say that things have changed or not changed in the queer community since you were younger?
“...having that community and support for one another is what helps us navigate some of these spaces.”
There's been progress, but as much progress as there has been just, I’ve seen just as much resistance and pushback. I think going back to the experience that I had in high school - just having the close-knit community that is there to help and support each other is what helps. Especially since Greenville, being where we are with the people that are around us, having that community and support for one another is what helps us navigate some of these spaces. Something that I love about Pride Link is that it helps bring our little queer community together and just, if nothing else, it's a great opportunity for us to take care of one another and ourselves even. With all of this in mind, I think we have come a long way.
What do you enjoy most about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community here?
Having lived in the Orlando area, one of the things I noticed living in a larger city with a really large queer community is that a lot of the spaces for the queer community have a lot of alcohol involved and it's more like party spaces. I like that Greenville has a sober, safe, and clear space for the community and it's not centered around just having fun, which is great obviously, but I think that's something unique for Greenville.
How have you seen the queer community come together to uplift each other more recently during the current COVID-19 pandemic?
Just to name a few examples here I’m grateful for, I've seen Alex [an LGBTQ+ community member], for example, does grocery pickup for people so that they know and trust the person that's going to be getting their things and going to enter their home. I've also seen my friends make masks for people.
Going along with what you were saying earlier about how in high school you had a group of support, could you talk a little bit about your coming out journey?
I feel like I've kind of always known that I was a member [of the LGBTQ+ community].
Once I got towards the end of high school and started becoming more independent, I started trying to find small ways to get involved. But the first real step towards community involvement would probably have been back in 2011 when the Campaign for Southern Equality event was going on at county square where they were going to have same-sex couples apply for a marriage license as an act of resistance because then same-sex marriage was still illegal. Gender Benders started around that time, and I got involved with some of the things that they did too.
As far as coming out goes, as far as my sexual orientation, I never really formally came out. I just kind of started dating people of various genders. However, I did more recently come out as non-binary though. That took some time to process. There was a lot more thought that went into that than ‘okay, I'm just gonna date.’ I probably sat on that for a year and tried to process and learn everything that I could. And when I finally decided it for myself I never said anything.
After my child’s dad and I split up I started - not even just about gender or my sexual orientation or whatever, just about my life, in general - started to examine everything, and tried to learn more about myself.
I had been with him, probably from the age of almost 21 up until I was 27, so I learned and changed a lot during that period. I came out of that not knowing who I was anymore. That was two years ago. So for the past two and a half years it was just a process of looking at things, learning, and growing.
What are some of those insights you've learned in the past two years?
“If there is a problem you have to talk about it.”
I've had to look at some of my behaviors, and take them beyond the surface level and figure out the why. I think part of it also is being in a polyamorous relationship. One of the issues that I had throughout my life is communicating. Being in a relationship style like that, you have to learn how to communicate. If there is a problem you have to talk about it. Being able to apply that to the rest of my life has helped tremendously.
Before, when I had a negative emotion, it was something that I didn't have time to process. I was like ‘I just became a mom, and I don't have time to take care of myself.’ I think that was also something that I had to learn how to do in the past two years and figure out how to balance being a parent, and then also still being myself.
What I’ve also learned about myself is that I think that I am more patient and understanding than I give myself credit for sometimes, and that actually, it's other people that aren’t. I can only do so much and recognizing that is helpful.
After speaking with Kayla, I realized just how much I could learn about communication, patience, and understanding from someone that has seen and experienced much more of the world than I have. Our challenges are completely different but I still related to the common sentiment of trying to find myself.
Their reflections about parenthood and previous relationships were so candid and raw. I was left speechless with how they were able to relay the nuances of how they felt, dig beyond the surface, and not only figure out the problems, but also apply the solutions.
No matter what stage in life we all are in, many times we have trouble working through issues especially because being in the LGBTQ+ community comes with so many added unique challenges. However, we all can learn from Kayla to love and be more patient with ourselves. It’s frustrating to not feel at 100% all the time. But when you take a period to self reflect, those are the moments where you truly grow as a person.